Classic Rugby Quotes II

On his son Huw’s choice to play for England: “I knew he would never play for Wales … he’s tone deaf.” – Vernon Davies (1981)

After England had been humbled by New Zealand in the World Cup semi-final: “I don’t know about us not having a Plan B when things went wrong, we looked like we didn’t have a Plan A.” – Geoff Cooke (1995)

“Whoso would be a man, must be a non-conformist, and preferably play in the pack.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, talking about rugby

“A bomb under the West car park at Twickenham on an international day would end fascism in England for a generation.” – Philip Toynbee

“A major rugby tour by the British Isles to New Zealand is a cross between a medieval crusade and a prep school outing.” – John Hopkins

“England’s coach Jack Powell, an immensely successful businessman, has the acerbic wit of Dorothy Parker and, according to most New Zealanders, a similar knowledge of rugby.” – Mark Reason Total Sport (1996)

“Most Misleading Campaign of 1991: England’s rugby World Cup squad, who promoted a scheme called ‘Run with the Ball’. Not, unfortunately, among themselves.” – Time Out (1991)

On England’s new look against Australia: “This looks a good team on paper, let’s see how it looks on grass.” – Nigel Mellville (1984)

On playing for Wales at Lansdowne Road, Dublin: “I didn’t know what was going on at the start in the swirling wind. The flags were all pointing in different directions and I thought the Irish had starched them just to fool us.” – Mike Watkins (1984)

On Wales losing 28-9 against Australia: “No leadership, no ideas. Not even enough imagination to thump someone in the line-out when the ref wasn’t looking.” – J.P.R. Williams (1984)

Pre-game pep talk before facing England: “Look what these bastards have done to Wales. They’ve taken our coal, our water, our steel. They buy our houses and they only live in them for a fortnight every 12 months. What have they given us? Absolutely nothing. We’ve been exploited, raped, controlled and punished by the English – and that’s who you are playing this afternoon.” – Phil Bennett (1977)

“Rugby is not like tea, which is good only in England, with English water and English milk. On the contrary, rugby would be better, frankly, if it were made in a Twickenham pot and warmed up in a Pyrenean cauldron.” – Dennis LaLanne (1960)

“The French selectors never do anything by halves; for the first international of the season against Ireland they dropped half the three-quarter line.” – Nigel Starmer-Smith, BBC TV (1974)

“The job of Welsh coach is like a minor part in a Quentin Tarantino film: you stagger on, you hallucinate, nobody seems to understand a word you say, you throw up, you get shot. Poor old Kevin Bowring has come up through the coaching structure so he knows what it takes … 15 more players than Wales have at present.” – Mark Reason Total Sport (1996)

“The only hope for the England rugby union team is to play it all for laughs. It would pack them in if the public address system at Twickenham was turned up full blast to record the laughs at every inept bit of passing, kicking or tackling. The nation would be in fits … and on telly the BBC would not need a commentator but just a tape of that Laughing Policeman, turning it loud at the most hilarious bits.” – Jim Rivers, letter to The Guardian (1979)

“Tony Ward is the most important rugby player in Ireland. His legs are far more important to his country than even those of Marlene Dietrich were to the film industry. A little hairier, maybe, but a pair of absolute winners.” – C.M.H. Gibson, Wales v Ireland match programme (1979)

“Me? As England’s answer to Jonah Lomu? Joanna Lumley, more likely.” – Damian Hopley (1995)

On Jonah Lomu: “I’ve seen a lot people like him, but they weren’t playing on the wing.” – Colin Meads (1995)

On Jonah Lomu: “The Brent Spar with attitude. A figure who inspires hero worship among even those who think a fly-half is a glass of beer consumed when ‘er indoors is looking the other way.” – Robert Philip Daily Telegraph (1995)

On Lomu finally turning down offers from League teams: “Jonah Lomu is staying in New Zealand, ending an is-he-or-isn’t-he saga which rivalled the trial of OJ. Simpson for unnecessarily protracted tedium.” – Paul Wilson The Observer (1995)

Gareth Edwards: “The sooner that little so-and-so goes to rugby league, the better it will be for us.” – Dickie Jeeps (1967)

On the biggest change after returning to the Union code: “It’s the first time I’ve been cold for seven years. I was never cold playing rugby league.” – Jonathan Davis, A Question of Sport BBC TV (1995)

Summing up during the “Dolphin hooks penis round man’s leg” indecent sexual act court case: “Men do not greet one another like this … except perhaps at rugby club dinners.” – Alan Cooper Defence Counsel (1991)

“New Zealand rugby is a colourful game since you get all black … and blue.” – Anon

“A forward’s usefulness to his side varies as to the square of his distance from the ball.” – Clarrie Gibbons

“Colin Meads is the kind of player you expect to see emerging from a ruck with the remains of a jockstrap between his teeth.” – Tom O’Reilly

“Forwards are the gnarled and scarred creatures who have a propensity for running into and bleeding all over each other.” – Peter Fitzsimmons

“I don’t know why prop forwards play rugby.” – Lionel Weston (1974)

“In 1823, William Webb Ellis first picked up the ball in his arms and ran with it. And for the next 156 years forwards have been trying to work out why.” – Sir Tasker Watkins (1979)

On the Munster pack: “Mothers keep their photo on the mantelpiece to stop the kids going too near the fire.” – Jim Noilly, BBC TV (1995)

“The Holy Writ of Gloucester Rugby Club demands: first, that the forwards shall win the ball; second, that the forwards shall keep the ball; and third, the backs shall buy the beer.” – Doug Ibbotson

“The one-handed palmer can always reach higher, they say. They may be right, but the result is that nearly every line-out is like a tropical island – all waving palms.” – Vivian Jenkins

“Wade Dooley: With a handle like that he sounds more like a western sheriff than the Lancashire bobby that he is.” – Norman Mair The Scotsman (1988)

After JPR Williams was involved in a road traffic accident: “Bloody typical, isn’t it? The car’s a write-off. The tanker’s a write-off. But JPR comes out of it all in one piece.” – Gareth Edwards (1978)

“If I had been a winger, I might have been daydreaming and thinking about how to keep my kit clean for next week.” – Bill Beaumont