Classic Rugby Quotes III

“Two sausages at tonight’s barbecue!” – Phil Kearns to Kiwi Sean Fitzpatrick after the former scored a try during a Bledisloe Cup match.

Classic BILL MCLAREN Quotes:

“It’s high enough, it’s long enough, it’s straight enough”

“He’s like a demented ferret up a wee drainpipe”

“He plays like a runaway bullet”

“There goes 18 stones of prime Scottish beef on the hoof”

“He kicked that ball like it were three pounds of haggis”

“His sidestep was marvellous — like a shaft of lightning” [of Gerald Davies]

“And it’s a try by Hika the hooker from Ngongotaha” [Wales v New Zealand 1980]

“My goodness, that wee ball’s gone so high there’ll be snow on it when it comes down.”

“Redpath took off like a frightened baggie bolting up a border burn.”

“I’ve seen bigger legs hanging out of a crows nest”

“They say down at Stradey that if you ever catch him you get to make a wish.” [of Phil Bennett]

“The All Blacks looked like great prophets of doom.”

“My goodness, that ball’s gone so high there’ll be snow on it when it comes down.”

“When he hits you, you think the roof’s just fallen in.” [on Scott Gibbs, the Wales centre]

“He’s all arms and legs like a mad octopus.” [on Simon Geoghegan, the Ireland wing]

“He’s like a raging bull with a bad head.”

“That one was a bit inebriated – just like one of my golf shots.” [description of a missed goal kick].

“Big Vleis Visagie – born when meat was cheap!”

“He’s as quick as a trout up a burn.”

“He’s like a slippery salmon.”

“Those props are as cunning as a bag of weasels.”

“A day out of Hawick is a day wasted.”

“I look at Colin Meads and see a great big sheep farmer who carried the ball in his hands as though it was an orange pip.”

“I’ve hardly ever had to pay to get in” [When asked what was the best thing in his view about 50 years of commentary at rugby matches].

“He was tip toeing up the touch line like a super charged motorboat!”

“He’s like a whirling tsetse fly!”

“He’s no oil painting, but look at him working the blind side like a pop-up toaster!” [on Andre Venter]

“It’s like trying to tackle a snooker table!” [on Jonah Lomu]

“Now I’m not a hod man, but if I saw Jonah Lomu running at me I’d be putting down bricks, I’ll tell you.” [on Jonah Lomu]

“There he goes – South Africa’s rhino!” [on Os du Randt]

“A game played by fewer than fifteen a side, at least half of whom should be totally unfit.” – Michael Green (1927- ), British humorist. The Art of Coarse Rugby (1975).

Martin Offiah: “Your hands can’t catch what your eyes can’t see.” – Nike rugby boot advert (1993)

Peter Sterling: “If Walt Disney had seen this little man’s antics, there’d have been no Mickey Mouse.” – Ray French, BBC TV (1985)

“Rory Underwood: The gentleman athlete and flightmeister.” – Punch

“Rugby backs can be identified because they generally have clean jerseys and identifiable partings in their hair… come the revolution the backs will be the first to be lined up against the wall and shot for living parasitically off the work of others.” – Peter Fizsimmons

“Rugby players are either piano shifters or piano movers. Fortunately, I am one of those who can play a tune.” – Pierre Danos

Simon Geoghegan: “The winger resembles Mother Brown, running with a high knee-lift and sometimes not progressing far from the spot where he started.” – Mark Reason Total Sport (1996)

On playing his last game of rugby for Bath: “I thought I would have a quiet pint … and about 17 noisy ones.” – Gareth Chilcott (1993)

“Playing rugby at school I once fell on a loose ball and, through ignorance and fear, held on despite a fierce pummelling. After that it took me months to convince my team-mates I was a coward.” – Peter Cook (1970)

“Ray Gravell Eats Soft Centres.” – Banner at Cardiff Arms Park (1970s)

“Rugby is a game for the mentally deficient… That is why it was invented by the British. Who else but an Englishman could invent an oval ball?” – Peter Pook

“Rugby is played by men with odd shaped balls.” – Car bumper sticker

“The first half is invariably much longer than the second. This is partly because of the late kick-off but is also caused by the unfitness of the referee.” – Michael Green, The Art of Coarse Rugby (1960)

To Princess Anne’s son Peter Phillips, Gordonstoun School’s rugby captain, for his pre-match coin-toss preference: “Grandmother or tails, sir?” – Anon rugby referee (1995)

“The women sit, getting colder and colder, on a seat getting harder and harder, watching oafs, getting muddier and muddier.” – Virginia Graham, US writer and commentator, referring to the ‘muddied oafs’ image conjured up by Rudyard Kipling in his poem ‘The Islanders’ (1903).

“Rugby may have many problems, but the gravest is undoubtedly that of the persistence of summer.” – Chris Laidlaw, New Zealand rugby player and sportswriter. Mud in Your Eye: A Worm’s Eye View of the Changing World of Rugby (I 973).

“The whole point of rugby is that it is, first and foremost, a state of mind, a spirit.” – Jean-Pierre Rives (1952- ), French rugby player.

“Beer and Rugby are more or less synonymous.” – Chris Laidlaw

“The pub is as much a part of rugby as is the playing field.” – John Dickenson

“Subdue and penetrate.” – The motto of the All-Blacks

“You can go to the end of time, the last World Cup in the history of mankind, and the All-Blacks will be favourites for it.” – Phil Kearns

“I wanted a play that would paint the full face of sensualtiy, rebellion and revivalism. In South Wales these three phenomena have played second fiddle only to the Rugby Union which is a distillation of all three.” – Gwyn Thomas

“The tactical difference between Association Football and Rugby with its varieties seems to be that in the former, the ball is the missile, in the latter, men are the missles.” – Alfred E. Crawley (1913)