Rugby Humour

A huge collection of rugby humour, quotes and anecdotes. Enjoy.

All Blacks World Cup Jokes

Have you heard about the All Blacks new bra?
All support but no cup

What’s the difference between the All Blacks and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn’t waste five matches

What do you call 15 guys sitting around the TV watching the Rugby World Cup final?
The All Blacks

What’s the difference between Graham Henry and Viagra?
At least Viagra gives you a semi

Graham Henry gets handed a mobile phone and is told “This is Wayne Barnes’s phone”
Henry asks “How did you know?”
“It has 15 missed calls” comes the reply

Why did Graham Henry go to a ball dressed as a pumpkin?
Because he hoped when the clock struck midnight he would turn into a coach

Why did the man go to an Adidas store and try to buy condoms?
He was too embarrassed to ask for an All Black jersey

Graham Henry has a busy day and tells the team just to practice passing round some plastic cones for training.
After 80 minutes he sees them trudging back looking depressed.
“How did the session go lads,” he asks.
“The cones won 18-12, replies Richie McCaw.

There was a fire in Snow White’s cabin in the forest and she ran around desperately checking if the dwarfs were alright. There was a groan and she said “Sleepy’s fine!” and a growl and she said “Grumpy is alright” and so on, but she couldn’t find the seventh one until she heard someone say “The All Blacks are going to still win” and she said ” There – thank God – Dopey is okay!”

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers “241.”
“That’s wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!”
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?” To which the lady answers, “144.”
“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.”
Albert responds, “So, what do you reckon happened to the All Blacks?”

A man’s body was found in the harbour wearing an All Blacks jumper, pink panties, fishnet stockings and a dildo up his arse. Police removed the jumper to avoid any embarrassment to his family.

Did you hear NZ Post has just recalled their latest batch of stamps?
They had photos of All Blacks on them & people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

The NZRFU has taken the All Blacks’ Fords off them. When the All Blacks asked what they would do without them the NZRFU replied “Drive Holdens like all the other losers.”

Did you hear that thieves broke into the all Black Trophy room last night?
Police are appealing for information on the whereabouts of a glass cabinet and a carpet.

Eddie was at school one morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Eddie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Eddie aside to ask him if that was really true.
“No” said Edward, “He’s an All Black but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Wayne Barnes walks into a sperm donor bank.
“I’d like to donate some sperm” he says to the receptionist.
“Certainly Sir” replies the receptionist, “have you donated before?”.
“Yes” replies Wayne “you should have my details on your computer”.
“Oh yes, I’ve found your details” says the receptionist “but I see you’re going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?”
“Why do I need help?” asks Wayne. The receptionist replies
“Well, it says on your record that you’re a useless wanker”

What have the All Blacks got in common with a three pin plug?
Both are useless in Wales

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, Wayne Barnes struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing Graham Henry, Richie McCaw and Anton Oliver roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, Richie McCaw took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled Wayne Barnes from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Wayne into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and vindictive people upset by the result of the match but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that you are truly enlightened examples of cultural harmony and could serve as a model which other peoples could follow.”
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, Graham Henry asked the others, “Who was that?”
“That,” Anton Oliver answered, “was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God’s wisdom.”
“Well,” Richie McCaw replied, “he knows nothing about shark hunting. How’s that bait holding up?”

What do you do for a drowning New Zealand Rugby player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he’ll choke anyway

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says,
“Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered.”
The second surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The third surgeon says, “Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded.”
The fourth one says, “I prefer New Zealand Rugby players. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and bums are interchangeable.”

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend’s car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend “What’s happened to your car?”
“Well,” the friend responds, “I ran over Wayne Barnes”.
“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?”
“Well, he tried to escape through the park.”

Graham Henry asked Bernard Laporte after the quarter-final—”Bernie, I thought I had the journey planned, how did you beat me?”
“Pretty simple,” replied Laporte, “I picked my players for their intelligence and asked them just one question.”
“That simple?” said Henry. “Yep,”replied Laporte, “pick one of my squad and see how he does.”
Henry thought for a while then nominated Freddie Michalak. Laporte called him over and asked him, “Who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?” “Ah simple, Bernie,” says Freddie, “it’s me.”
“Well done, Freddie,” said Laporte, and Henry was very impressed. He returned to the hotel and wondered about the intelligence of his team. He called in Richie McCaw and asked him, “Who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Richie thought and thought and couldn’t come up with the answer. “Can I think about it a bit more, Coach?—I’ll give you an answer tomorrow.”
“Of course,” said Henry, “you’ve got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer.”
Richie went away, thinking as hard as he could, and then he called in his team-mates. Mils Muliana thought it might be his grandpa but wasn’t sure. Aaron Mauger was certain that it couldn’t be anyone. Ali Williams refused to answer in case he was sacked for not knowing.
Joe Rococoko thought it would be an uncle in Fiji who had been adopted as a child. Leon McDonald went into the foetal position. The rest of the team wouldn’t even hazard a guess. Twenty hours later, Richie was very worried that he still had no answer with only four hours to go. Eventually McCaw thought, “I know, I’ll ring Andrew Mehrtens—he’s bloody smart, he’ll know the answer.”
He phoned Mehrtens. “Merts, tell me—who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Very simple,” said Mehrtens, “It’s me.”
“Of course,” said Richie and rang Henry. “Coach, I’ve got the answer—it’s Mehrtens!”
“No, you idiot,” said Henry, “It’s Freddie Michalak.”

Some All Black supporters die, and as expected they go to hell. The devil notices that they’re quite happy, and asks them why.
They explain “After the lousy weather in New Zealand, we actually enjoy the warmth.”
The devil thinks “I’ll fix them” and turns up the heat. He finds the Kiwis with their shirts off enjoying a chop on the barbie and having a frostie.
“Whenever the weather gets this good in New Zealand, we can’t waste it, so this is what we do”
The devil decides to wipe the smile off their faces by turning the heat down to freezing. He returns to the Kiwis to find them celebrating.
“What now?” he asks.
One explains “Well, when hell freezes over, we’re sure to win the Rugby World Cup”

Humourous Quotes:

After being asked if he had anything to add to an inspiring team talk, “Ja, anyone know where I can get an engine for a Toyota Corolla?” – Frans “Domkrag” Erasmus (Ou Grote), late Springbok prop.

“Nobody in rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” – Jono Gibbs

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” – Rodney So’ialo on University

“You guys line up alphabetically by height” – Colin Cooper – Hurricanes coach

“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” – Colin Cooper – Hurricanes coach

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” – Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games “It’s basically the same, just darker.”

David Nucifora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘David, I don’t know and I don’t care.’

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.”

“Andy Ellis – the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago” – Murray Mexted

“Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.” – Ma’a Nonu

“He scored that try after only 22 seconds – totally against the run of play.” – Murray Mexted

“We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored.” – Phil Waugh

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Jerry Collins

“That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” – Tony Brown

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” – Tana Umaga

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby – but none of them serious.” – Doc Mayhew

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” – Anton Oliver

“I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better.” – Murray Mexted

“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” – Ewan McKenzie

Murray Deaker: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?”
Tana Umaga: “On what?”

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.” – Murray Mexted

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” – Murray Mexted

“Every time I went to tackle him, Horrocks went one way, Taylor went the other, and all I got was the bloody hyphen.” – Nick England on trying to stop Phil Horrocks-Taylor

“We’ve lost seven of our last eight matches. Only team that we’ve beaten was Western Samoa. Good job we didn’t play the whole of Samoa.” – Gareth Davies

“The main difference between playing League and Union is that now I get my hangovers on Monday instead of Sunday.” – Tom David

“In my time, I’ve had my knee out, broken my collarbone, had my nose smashed, a rib broken, lost a few teeth, and ricked my back; but as soon as I get a bit of bad luck I’m going to quit the game.” – J. W. Robinson

“To play rugby you need three things: a good pass, a good tackle and a good excuse.” – Anon

On his successors in the Oxford University backs: “I’ve seen better centres in a box of Black Magic.” – Joe McPartlin

After John Jeffrey had ‘dropped and badly damaged’ the Calcutta Cup: “It will now have to be called the Calcutta Shield.” – Bob Munro

“I think you enjoy the game more if you don’t know the rules. Anyway, you’re on the same wavelength as the referees.” – Jonathan Davies

On taking over as Batley chairman: “Not many people in Batley speak Latin, so the first thing we did was change the motto.” – Stephen Ball

“The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.” – Derek Robinson

“There is far too much talk about good ball and bad ball. In my opinion, good ball is when you have possession and bad ball is when the opposition have it.” – Dick Jeeps

“Remember that rugby is a team game; all 14 of you make sure you pass the ball to Jonah.” – Fax to the All Blacks before the 1995 World Cup semi-final.

“I think Brian Moore’s gnashers are the kind you get from a DIY shop and hammer in yourself. He is the only player we have who looks like a French forward.” – Former England prop Paul Rendall on his front row colleague.

“You’ve got to get your first tackle in early, even if it’s late.” – Welsh hardman Ray Gravell explains his rugby philosophy.

“I played ten injury-free years between the ages of 12 and 22. Then, suddenly, it seemed like I was allergic to the twentieth century.” – Former England scrum-half Nigel Melville who spent most of the 1980s injured.

“We’re going to tear those boys apart.” – Message pinned up on the changing room wall by England skipper Will Carling before his team ran out to face the All Blacks in the 1995 World Cup semi-final in Cape Town. It took at least 70 seconds for New Zealand to score their first try as they demolished England 45-29.

“Don’t ask me about emotions in the Welsh dressing room. I’m someone who cries when he watches ‘Little House on the Prairie’” – Former Welsh second row Bob Norster remembers that special Dragons atmosphere.

“There’s no doubt about it, he’s a big bastard” – Gavin Hastings, master of the bleedin’ obvious, on Jonah Lomu.

“The relationship between the Welsh and the English is based on trust and understanding. They don’t trust us and we don’t understand them.” – Former RFU supremo Dudley Wood on Anglo-Welsh relations.

“If you can’t take a punch, you should play table tennis.” – Former French skipper and coach Pierre Berbizier illustrates his nation’s attitude to on-pitch violence.

“A player of ours has been proven guilty of biting. That’s a scar that will never heal.” – Bath coach Andy Robinson after his prop Kevin Yates was suspended for taking a chunk out of an opposing flanker’s ear.

“Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen; soccer is a gentleman’s game played by beasts; football is a beastly game played by beasts.” – Henry Blaha

“Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the centre of the city.” – Oscar Wilde

“In our country, true teams rarely exist . . . social barriers and personal ambitions have reduced athletes to dissolute cliques or individuals thrown together for mutual profit . . . Yet these rugby players with their muddied, cracked bodies, are struggling to hold onto a sense of humanity that we in America have lost and are unlikely to regain. The game may only be to move a ball forward on a dirt field, but the task can be accomplished with an unshackled joy and its memories will be a permanent delight. The women and men who play on that rugby field are more alive than too many of us will ever be. The foolish emptiness we think we perceive in their existence is only our own.” – Victor Cahn

“The French are predictably unpredictable.” – Andrew Mehrtens after an All-Blacks surprise loss to the French in the 1999 Rugby World Cup

“For an 18-month suspension, I feel I probably should have torn it off. Then at least I could say, ‘Look, I’ve returned to South Africa with the guy’s ear.’” – Johan le Roux after biting Sean Fitzpatrick’s ear

“I may not have been very tall or very athletic, but the one thing I did have was the most effective backside in world rugby.” – Jim Glennon

“I prefer rugby to soccer. I enjoy the violence in rugby, except when they start biting each other’s ears off.” – Elizabeth Taylor

“If the game is run properly as a professional game, you do not need 57 old farts running rugby.” – Will Carling

“I’m still an amateur, of course, but I became rugby’s first millionaire five years ago.” – David Campese

“As you run around Battersea Park in them, looking like a cross between a member of the SAS and Blake’s Seven, there is always the lingering fear of arrest.” – Brian Moore on England’s new rubber training suit

“Rugby football is a game I can’t claim absolutely to understand in all its niceties, if you know what I mean. I can follow the broad, general principles, of course. I mean to say, I know that the main scheme is to work the ball down the field somehow and deposit it over the line at the other end and that, in order to squalch this programme, each side is allowed to put in a certain amount of assault and battery and do things to its fellow man which, if done elsewhere, would result in 14 days without the option, coupled with some strong remarks from the Bench.” – P. G. Wodehouse Very Good, Jeeves (1930)

“The only trophy we won this day, was the blood and sweat we left on the pitch…. and it was enough” – Anon

On his son Huw’s choice to play for England: “I knew he would never play for Wales … he’s tone deaf.” – Vernon Davies

After England had been humbled by New Zealand in the World Cup semi-final: “I don’t know about us not having a Plan B when things went wrong, we looked like we didn’t have a Plan A.” – Geoff Cooke

“Whoso would be a man, must be a non-conformist, and preferably play in the pack.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, talking about rugby

“A major rugby tour by the British Isles to New Zealand is a cross between a medieval crusade and a prep school outing.” – John Hopkins

“England’s coach Jack Powell, an immensely successful businessman, has the acerbic wit of Dorothy Parker and, according to most New Zealanders, a similar knowledge of rugby.” – Mark Reason

“Most Misleading Campaign of 1991: England’s rugby World Cup squad, who promoted a scheme called ‘Run with the Ball’. Not, unfortunately, among themselves.” – Time Out

On England’s new look against Australia: “This looks a good team on paper, let’s see how it looks on grass.” – Nigel Mellville

On playing for Wales at Lansdowne Road, Dublin: “I didn’t know what was going on at the start in the swirling wind. The flags were all pointing in different directions and I thought the Irish had starched them just to fool us.” – Mike Watkins

On Wales losing 28-9 against Australia: “No leadership, no ideas. Not even enough imagination to thump someone in the line-out when the ref wasn’t looking.” – J.P.R. Williams

Pre-game pep talk before facing England: “Look what these bastards have done to Wales. They’ve taken our coal, our water, our steel. They buy our houses and they only live in them for a fortnight every 12 months. What have they given us? Absolutely nothing. We’ve been exploited, raped, controlled and punished by the English – and that’s who you are playing this afternoon.” – Phil Bennett

“Rugby is not like tea, which is good only in England, with English water and English milk. On the contrary, rugby would be better, frankly, if it were made in a Twickenham pot and warmed up in a Pyrenean cauldron.” – Dennis La Lanne

“The French selectors never do anything by halves; for the first international of the season against Ireland they dropped half the three-quarter line.” – Nigel Starmer-Smith

“The job of Welsh coach is like a minor part in a Quentin Tarantino film: you stagger on, you hallucinate, nobody seems to understand a word you say, you throw up, you get shot. Poor old Kevin Bowring has come up through the coaching structure so he knows what it takes … 15 more players than Wales have at present.” – Mark Reason

“The only hope for the England rugby union team is to play it all for laughs. It would pack them in if the public address system at Twickenham was turned up full blast to record the laughs at every inept bit of passing, kicking or tackling. The nation would be in fits … and on telly the BBC would not need a commentator but just a tape of that Laughing Policeman, turning it loud at the most hilarious bits.” – Jim Rivers

“Tony Ward is the most important rugby player in Ireland. His legs are far more important to his country than even those of Marlene Dietrich were to the film industry. A little hairier, maybe, but a pair of absolute winners.” – C.M.H. Gibson

“Me? As England’s answer to Jonah Lomu? Joanna Lumley, more likely.” – Damian Hopley

On Jonah Lomu: “I’ve seen a lot people like him, but they weren’t playing on the wing.” – Colin Meads

On Jonah Lomu: “The Brent Spar with attitude. A figure who inspires hero worship among even those who think a fly-half is a glass of beer consumed when ‘er indoors is looking the other way.” – Robert Philip

On Lomu finally turning down offers from League teams: “Jonah Lomu is staying in New Zealand, ending an is-he-or-isn’t-he saga which rivalled the trial of OJ. Simpson for unnecessarily protracted tedium.” – Paul Wilson

Gareth Edwards: “The sooner that little so-and-so goes to rugby league, the better it will be for us.” – Dickie Jeeps

On the biggest change after returning to the Union code: “It’s the first time I’ve been cold for seven years. I was never cold playing rugby league.” – Jonathan Davis

Summing up during the “Dolphin hooks penis round man’s leg” indecent sexual act court case: “Men do not greet one another like this … except perhaps at rugby club dinners.” – Alan Cooper, Defence Counsel

“New Zealand rugby is a colourful game since you get all black … and blue.” – Anon

“A forward’s usefulness to his side varies as to the square of his distance from the ball.” – Clarrie Gibbons

“Colin Meads is the kind of player you expect to see emerging from a ruck with the remains of a jockstrap between his teeth.” – Tom O’Reilly

“Forwards are the gnarled and scarred creatures who have a propensity for running into and bleeding all over each other.” – Peter Fitzsimmons

“I don’t know why prop forwards play rugby.” – Lionel Weston

“In 1823, William Webb Ellis first picked up the ball in his arms and ran with it. And for the next 156 years forwards have been trying to work out why.” – Sir Tasker Watkins

On the Munster pack: “Mothers keep their photo on the mantelpiece to stop the kids going too near the fire.” – Jim Noilly

“The Holy Writ of Gloucester Rugby Club demands: first, that the forwards shall win the ball; second, that the forwards shall keep the ball; and third, the backs shall buy the beer.” – Doug Ibbotson

“The one-handed palmer can always reach higher, they say. They may be right, but the result is that nearly every line-out is like a tropical island – all waving palms.” – Vivian Jenkins

“Wade Dooley: With a handle like that he sounds more like a western sheriff than the Lancashire bobby that he is.” – Norman Mair

After JPR Williams was involved in a road traffic accident: “Bloody typical, isn’t it? The car’s a write-off. The tanker’s a write-off. But JPR comes out of it all in one piece.” – Gareth Edwards

“If I had been a winger, I might have been daydreaming and thinking about how to keep my kit clean for next week.” – Bill Beaumont

“Two sausages at tonight’s barbecue!” – Phil Kearns to Kiwi Sean Fitzpatrick after the former scored a try during a Bledisloe Cup match.

“A game played by fewer than fifteen a side, at least half of whom should be totally unfit.” – Michael Green

Martin Offiah: “Your hands can’t catch what your eyes can’t see.” – Nike rugby boot advert

Peter Sterling: “If Walt Disney had seen this little man’s antics, there’d have been no Mickey Mouse.” – Ray French

“Rory Underwood: The gentleman athlete and flightmeister.” – Punch

“Rugby backs can be identified because they generally have clean jerseys and identifiable partings in their hair… come the revolution the backs will be the first to be lined up against the wall and shot for living parasitically off the work of others.” – Peter Fizsimmons

“Rugby players are either piano shifters or piano movers. Fortunately, I am one of those who can play a tune.” – Pierre Danos

Simon Geoghegan: “The winger resembles Mother Brown, running with a high knee-lift and sometimes not progressing far from the spot where he started.” – Mark Reason

On playing his last game of rugby for Bath: “I thought I would have a quiet pint … and about 17 noisy ones.” – Gareth Chilcott

“Playing rugby at school I once fell on a loose ball and, through ignorance and fear, held on despite a fierce pummelling. After that it took me months to convince my team-mates I was a coward.” – Peter Cook

“Ray Gravell Eats Soft Centres.” – Banner at Cardiff Arms Park (1970s)

“Rugby is a game for the mentally deficient… That is why it was invented by the British. Who else but an Englishman could invent an oval ball?” – Peter Pook

“Rugby is played by men with odd shaped balls.” – Car bumper sticker

“The first half is invariably much longer than the second. This is partly because of the late kick-off but is also caused by the unfitness of the referee.” – Michael Green

To Princess Anne’s son Peter Phillips, Gordonstoun School’s rugby captain, for his pre-match coin-toss preference: “Grandmother or tails, sir?” – Anon rugby referee

“The women sit, getting colder and colder, on a seat getting harder and harder, watching oafs, getting muddier and muddier.” – Virginia Graham

“Rugby may have many problems, but the gravest is undoubtedly that of the persistence of summer.” – Chris Laidlaw

“The whole point of rugby is that it is, first and foremost, a state of mind, a spirit.” – Jean-Pierre Rives

“Beer and Rugby are more or less synonymous.” – Chris Laidlaw

“The pub is as much a part of rugby as is the playing field.” – John Dickenson

“Subdue and penetrate.” – The motto of the All-Blacks

“You can go to the end of time, the last World Cup in the history of mankind, and the All-Blacks will be favourites for it.” – Phil Kearns

“I wanted a play that would paint the full face of sensuality, rebellion and revivalism. In South Wales these three phenomena have played second fiddle only to the Rugby Union which is a distillation of all three.” – Gwyn Thomas

“The tactical difference between Association Football and Rugby with its varieties seems to be that in the former, the ball is the missile, in the latter, men are the missles.” – Alfred E. Crawley

Bill McLaren on Vleis Visagie: “Big Vleis Visagie – born when meat was cheap!”

“Beer was invented to stop props from taking over the world” – Anon

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well. So he decided to see a doctor.
“Hey doc, I dun’t feel so good, ey” said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
“No way doc” replied Wiremu “I’m gitting a sicond opinion ey!”
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: “Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey.”
“What’s the cure then doc ?” asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
“Wull, Wiremu”, said the Kiwi doctor “Wi’re gonna huv to cut off your balls.”
“Phew, thunk god for thut!” said Wiremu, “those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!”