“Hello Marius…..do you hear me? Can you go back to the beginning of the known Universe and tell me Try / No Try?â€
The opening fixture in the South African conference is exasperating at the best of times. It was hard enough to watch the Bulls and Stormers refuse to win their own line-outs. It was tough to see Spies after 900 trips to the gymnasium in the off-season, still moving at glacial speed from the base of the scrum. To see Jean “biltong†De Villiers, Springbok Captain extraordinaire, produce his 34th consecutive innocuous performance. The pain to notice that Morne Steyn’s kicking has got much better and his running has got much worse. It was hard to watch just half a line-break throughout the game, not a single successful offload in a tackle and hardly a skilful piece of attacking enterprise the entire evening.
But it was the usual bone cruncher, brawn-ful but brain-less, low quality but extreme intensity that typifies 80 minutes of a South African derby. A certain mania predominates and despite the general lack of decent rugby one can’t help but enjoy watching. That is – apart from the TMO.
I think we spent more time “upstairs†than a teenager with a new girlfriend. The first incident, which we were fortunate enough to watch 213 times was an innocuous “touch†on a kick through. After more repeats than an onion sandwich – there resulted a Stormers 5-yard scrum. After the 11th unhelpful angle, the missus asked me why they didn’t have Hot-spot. C’mon!
After the 39th viewing I was pretty sure only the Almighty and the Bulls player himself would ever know for sure if that ball nicked his epidermis on the way through. Since neither was saying, the TMO called down to the ref in that convincing tone only ever used by those who are thoroughly unconvinced, that it was a Stormers scrum in a dangerous position. Luckily it came to nothing as Kitshof was penalised for one of the eleventeen scrum infringements no one understands.
The whole escapade took half a Castle Lite’s worth of time and that’s 12 bucks at the hotel I was watching! Please someone stop this madness. Almost impossibly there were two further arduous TMO incidents. Together with the interruptions, the very slow 60 minute substitutions and mindless collisions – this was beginning to look more like the Superbowl than Superugby.
When Chilliboy’s try was finally incorrectly awarded – after an Academy Award feature length series of replays – I was left feeling like I was stuck in an episode of Fawlty Towers. It was Manuel, the mad Spanish waiter, who was the TMO upstairs – “Meester Fawlty, joo can geeef Try! “
Earlier, Groom was judged not to have knocked on and De Villiers’ try was awarded. Any horned supporter would have disagreed and the replay was at best 50/50. So the evening’s TMO tally was pretty much 0 for 3. The players stand around – the ever declining live crowds sit around twiddling their thumbs and the great momentum that rugby sometimes delivers is dragged into a staccato of mind-numbing inconclusiveness.
I’m not sure the New Zealanders fared any better with the new TMO powers. The Blues got pinged a yellow card and a penalty try in their match against the Hurricanes. The incident, when slowed down to super-micro-snail speed, 1 of the 9 angles gave the vague impression that the defender had 12 minutes to carefully consider the situation and deliberately slap the ball out of play. When I watched the incident in normal breakneck speed, I saw two 100kg wings contesting and flying for a ball at full pace, shoulder to shoulder and one just getting a blurred hand out in front of the other. For 120 years of rugby football it would have been a 22 restart, but this week it was 7 points and 14 men for 20 minutes.
I don’t buy it. I don’t think we get a remarkable increase in accuracy – considering the remarkable loss of continuity. I’m not sure who wants interminable replays and delayed decisions anyway – this is not FIFA incontrovertible goal-line technology – rugby is the muddiest water TMO’s have ever entered. I’m not sure officials or technology is even up to the task. And even if they were, I don’t see it as a value-add for rugby.
You don’t agree? Oh, crap. Let’s take it upstairs.
– reuthers –